Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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