I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
