I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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