I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
