I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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