Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
