I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
