You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
