I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
