I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
