It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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