I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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