If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
