Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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