if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
