If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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