Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
