Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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