New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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