And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
