i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
