I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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