so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
