you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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