I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
