And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize