So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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