Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
