I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
