i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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