I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
