Me. At least after what I've been through.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
