I think my fart just growled at me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
