mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
