did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
