3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
