Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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