These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
