I smell stomach acid.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
