Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
