This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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