If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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