I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
