You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
