I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize