So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
