he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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