I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
