I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
