youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
