how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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