Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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