Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
