he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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