I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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