so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
