I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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