He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
