I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
