So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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