Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
