Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Randomize
