Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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