Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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