Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize