I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
