plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
