I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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