His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
